Today I'd like to just share some of the back story about my quest for Everest. As I said, its been a dream that I've had for about 15 years. I have a strong desire to push myself to do something physically unique, hard and meaningful. But it has evolved from trying to do something physically hard, to representing something that I've had to overcome that has been emotionally, mentally and spiritually hard.
I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. Most of my life, if there was something I wanted to achieve or obtain, I just had to work hard and I usually could control the outcome. It seemed to work pretty well for me, and I liked that system. But little did I know that things would eventually change. When I was 28, my 3rd child Brianna was born. What a huge blessing she is! After having 2 boys I was so thrilled to get a girl. However, sweet Brianna was born with a congenital heart defect known as Tetralogy of Fallot. I was heartbroken. I was angry. Why would this happen to me? To her? But, like always, I was going to make everything OK. I would just work hard to make sure that she was normal like everyone else. This attitude worked for a few years, until Bri hit middle school. Then things started to fall apart. It was very evident that she was going to have challenges her whole life. Not only health challenges, but learning challenges that go hand in hand with heart defects. Nothing I did could change that or take the struggles away. I spiraled into a depression. I truly felt that I just couldn't do this. I had dreams of getting in my car an driving to the other side of the country and starting a new life. It was just too hard. And when you're in a bad place, its easy to find problems with everything else in your life. My marriage was struggling, I felt like I had no friends, I stopped going to church, I hated seeing my neighbors and all of their "perfect" kids. I was truly at rock bottom.
Then one day something happened at home that was especially frustrating, and I just needed to get out of the house. I got in my car and started to drive. I drove through Logan Canyon. It was summer and it was beautiful. I remember thinking that I've lived here for so many years, but haven't really taken the opportunity to explore this beautiful canyon. Right then went to our local book store and bought a book called Cache Trails. I was going to begin a quest to hike all the trails in the book, mostly as some sort of diversion to my sadness.
I have always loved hiking and being outdoors. I live steps away from Dry Canyon, and I've spent a lot of time hiking there and hiking along the deer fence that leads to Providence Canyon. So hiking wasn't anything new to me. But hiking in Logan Canyon was. I started with one of the most popular trails, The Crimson Trail. It was amazing! I put on my headphones and off I went. I didn't have to think about my problems, all I had to do was walk and push myself up the hills. I found that I could cry and there was nobody to see it. I could talk to myself and there was nobody there to think I was crazy. It became incredibly therapeutic, and I believe it's what helped me begin to dig out of my dark place. I continued to hike, and have now completed most of the trails in Logan Canyon several times over. They all feel like dear friends to me, which sounds weird, but that's the best way I can describe it. For me, hiking has become a symbol of the climbing that I have done emotionally to rise above my challenges. Everybody has their Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb, and this was mine. Physically and emotionally.
My challenges have made me a better person. I have much more empathy and compassion for others. I have come to love so many people in so many different walks of life. I have learned to never judge anyone unless you've walked it their shoes. I now understand that we all have struggles and trials, we all need a friend, and we all need to be loved. I couldn't have learned any of those lessons without my trials, and its taken me a long time to be able to say that. I've learned that things don't always turn out the way we've planned or the way we think they should. I've learned there are things that go wrong that don't ever get fixed or put back together the way they were before. I've learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you. I've learned that if you're on the right path, its usually going to be uphill. But going uphill is what makes us stronger.
This is my Mount Everest. And the view from the top is beautiful.
Photo from the top of King's Peak, Utah's highest point.
August 26, 2017
